Uncertainty in relationships is very common. Over time people date and build relationships with apparent compatibility, common values and love. But making the final decision becomes very difficult with the nagging question: How can I know without a doubt that this relationship is for me?

The answer to this complex issue is to understand that there is a problem with the question. Perhaps the focus should not be on "is this relationship for me" but rather "am I for this relationship."

It is no secret that relationship breakdown has reached epidemic proportions. Many statistics report that close to fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The cause of this sad reality is puzzling. It is difficult to accept that half the population are such bad judges of character that they get it wrong and cannot tell that the person they are dating is the wrong one.

Compatibility, chemistry and shared values are critical for a lasting relationship. But even when all these ingredients are present, there are much deeper and more fundamental questions to explore: Am I really ready for a relationship? Am I coming into this relationship with the tools and an understanding of what a real human relationship is about? Am I ready to constantly put in the effort to nurture this relationship and make it work?

The Sages tell us that before the creation of the world, G‑d's infinite presence filled all of existence and there was no room or space for a finite physical world. So G‑d chose to withdraw his infinite light to make space for a more finite existence – the universe.

Making space for something else is therefore a G‑dly power, a trait which He then invested into the human being. Animals cannot make room for others. They can only protect themselves and behave in accordance with their natural instincts. They cannot put their needs or desires aside to accommodate another perspective or appreciate the needs of a different animal.

The great Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk observed a disciple eating fish. "Why are you eating fish?" he asked. "I love fish," the student replied. "If you really loved fish," Reb Mendel replied, "you wouldn't be eating it. It is yourself that you love, not the fish."

This is the core of the issue. Many relationships today are "I love fish" relationships. People enter into them purely to satisfy their own needs and enhance their own pleasure and gratification. They are there to serve their own existence and not to welcome that of another. An ego-based relationship is on very weak ground. As soon as any issue arises that threatens the self-centered goals of the relationship, it begins to breakdown and disintegrate. A relationship based on true love is one where both partners have the ability to give, understand the needs of the other, compromise and make room for each other with mutual respect.

When you are ready to make room for another, then you can ask if that other is for you.

Question:

I enjoyed your class yesterday on the topic of respect. You made it clear that respect is the foundation of all relationships and that without it they cannot develop and blossom. If this is true, what happens if I have lost respect for the other person? Is respect possible to regain and could it happen if only one person is trying?

Answer:

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for respect to disappear from a relationship. This can happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes you discover a side of their personality that was not apparent when you first met, or the other person did something that hurt or disappointed you to the point that you lost respect.

Whatever the reason may be, it is a huge problem. Relationships are not sustainable without mutual respect, and its disappearance can result in the demise of the relationship. However the better option is always to try and save the relationship by finding a way to rediscover and regain an acceptable level of respect.

Here are three ways this can done:

a) Identify the positive. Every person has some good. While there may be a lot about the person you find hard to appreciate, beneath the surface there are always qualities that are special and worthy of respect. This can be hard to see as we tend to view each other as total packages. So take a piece of paper and identify three good qualities that the other person possesses. Think about them at least once a day. Once you begin appreciating and seeing the value of these specific qualities it becomes easier to have general respect.

b) Try to understand. If there are things that the other person did or said that caused you to lose respect, it helps to understand where it is coming from. While they may be wrong, they might not have meant any evil and were influenced by their upbringing, culture or environment. Maybe they really had good intentions but misunderstood the needs of others. Understanding where other people are coming from makes it easier to respect them.

c) Communicate. Open communication always improves relationships. Sit down with the other person and say: "I want to respect you more but I am finding it difficult. These are some of the reasons I think this has happened. How can we work as a team and how can you help me improve my respect for you?"

Relationships are a two-way street and you cannot be doing all the work. But it is okay for you to start. When you put in the effort to reignite the respect, it will make it easier for the other person to do the same, and it will make it easier for you to say: "I am working hard to improve our relationship and I expect the same from you."